A Propos of Nothing

Why is Batman considered a superhero?

Seriously, the guy is the textbook definition of a menace to society, yet for some reason most people unquestioningly echo the ridiculous idea that what he does is in some way heroic.

Bruce Wayne represents the worst that modern western civilization has to offer: he is a trust-fund tycoon who inherited a fortune of billions of dollars, he lives in a gated mansion that overlooks the dystopian urban nightmare that is Gotham City, and the way that he goes about assisting the city in its doomed efforts to overcome its problems is by dressing up in an overpriced Halloween costume and punching the shit out of people.

In short, Batman has always been a complete moron, and that was before he was portrayed by Ben Affleck.

Here is the wealthiest man in the greater Gotham City area, a man so rich that he offers to purchase a luxury hotel rather than tell the overpriced prostitutes with him to keep their fucking clothes on while swimming at a public gathering, and instead of spear-heading progressive social movements or, you know, working with city government on improving the social services they offer to their impoverished and fearful residents, he decides instead to have one of his lackeys engineer a grappling-hook gun and fashion throwing stars in the shapes of bats so that he can bravely confront the problem of petty street crime.

I will never watch Batman vs. Superman for one simple reason: it is an insultingly stupid conceit. Batman vs. Superman, in a rational setting, is not a fight in any real sense of the word. Superman is an omnipotent alien creature who can fly, leap over buildings in a single bound, can see through walls, and can burn the shit out of things by shooting lasers from his fucking eyes. Batman likes to play with sharp toys that are all in the shape of a bat and kung-fu defenseless victims to death. Bruce Wayne's obsession with bats is really the same thing that my four-year-old daughter is going through with My Little Pony: she also feels the need to wear her My Little Pony shirt everywhere she goes, only it's more or less acceptable because, you know, she's four fucking years old.

In summary, fuck Batman. He is, to appropriate a Scottish insult for my own use, a cocksplat.